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09 August 2010 @ 01:49 pm
How 'bout how good it feels to finally forgive you  
Had a strange dream last night. Scott and I were living together as roommates. Still exes, but the kind of exes who talk and get along. I still never had any idea what to talk to him about and felt rather stupid around him, but that wasn't so oppressive anymore, since it wasn't that important to me. I even suggested at one point that he should date occasionally, bring a girl home, it would be fine -- there's really no need to live like a drunken monk. (Though if he ever plays in another band and releases an album, it should totally be called "Drunken Monk.")

The dreams about Scott stopped being nightmares awhile ago, and I've dreamed of him before without any fear or depression or wish-fulfillment. But this is the first time I woke up from a Scott dream feeling good -- not just about the dream, but about being awake.

There's still a lot of lingering stuff. It's sort of aggravating how often a problem that arises between me and Captain Hammer winds up coming down to, "But Scott used to do this, that's why I'm so neurotic about it." But as for Scott, the guy, the ex-boyfriend -- I think I'm over it. I think I can say, without any fear of contradiction, that if he showed up on my doorstep tomorrow professing his undying love, I'd be like -- um, thanks, but no. And not just out of self-preservation, or because I'm still in love with him... but because I'm not. I looked at his picture on MySpace the other day, and it wasn't just that I didn't feel any of those painful pangs -- I just didn't feel anything but "...huh. He looks drunk. Was he always that sweaty?" I confess, I'm still more than a little curious what has become of him, which is why I was looking him up on MySpace. But I don't feel especially invested in what his life is like now.

It's not news to anyone that what I felt for Scott was unhealthy. But heroin is unhealthy; once you've had it, you want it anyway. It's only now, with more than a couple years of distance, that I think I can honestly say I don't long for that feeling anymore.

It probably helps that I'm happy. Really, truly happy for the first time in -- well. A long time. I was recently promoted at work, I like my boss and my office, I don't have to ever worry that the axe is hanging over my head, I'm respected by my superiors and peers, and I really care about the work that I do. I've been involved with theater, for better or worse, and I've made a lot of friends there. I'm surrounded by my best friends, and I even live with one of them (Erik Harrison Whose Name Should Be Known Throughout the Land has been awesome and living with him still feels a little bit like vacation all the time). I'm in a supportive, affectionate relationship with an adorable, smart, talented guy who holds my hand in public. We all just spent the last week together at the beach, me and Captain Hammer and Erik Harrison and Princess Monster and My Favorite Pirate and The Virgo Queen. If I'm not posting much anymore, it's because I don't have much to complain about.
 
 
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
 
 
 
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