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04 September 2009 @ 05:05 pm
There's a fine, fine line / between a fairy tale and a lie  
"There's a fine, fine line / between reality and pretend / and you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb / there's a fine, fine line / between love and a waste of time... I guess if someone doesn't love you back, it isn't such a crime..."

Eventually, though, someone has to. Right? I mean, before we're both old?

I mean, I know the odds would be better if I could actually find somebody in my league who I was remotely interested in. Neil was most assuredly in my league; Neil was in the very same ballpark, I suspect. Which makes me feel very slightly better, I think, in that I don't necessarily think Neil is objectively unattractive, just not at all for me.

But the apparent rejection from Perfect Tommy last night has me worrying that I've just drastically overestimated my own attractiveness and what my league actually is. I knew Scott was out of my league, but I honestly thought Perfect Tommy was in it. I mean, he's incredibly short (seriously, like, any shorter and he'd have to have some form of dwarfism, he's barely any taller than me) and he dresses kind of weird (one, he dresses entirely in black, but two, that sometimes takes the form of, like, acid-wash black jeans, seriously) and he's pretty awkward in conversations and he's handsome but not, like, incredibly handsome and he can be quite rude and off-putting. I just... I don't know, I guess I reckoned that my sexual currency probably roughly equaled his. Obviously I was wrong...

I started a post for I'm Into Survival about Re-animator, and realized that Perfect Tommy is basically Herbert West, with slightly (only slightly) more in the way of social skills. Cripes.

And then, of course, I find myself wondering. I mean, how clueless could he actually be? This is all because I sent out an invitation to the communications group -- a group of six, including the two of us -- for another happy hour, like we had last week. Last week's happy hour was because two of us were having birthdays, and this weeks was basically just because -- well, because I wanted to know how he'd respond, actually. Yes, I initiated a group social outing as a litmus test for a romantic interest. I should probably know better, because even when he didn't show up -- or even respond in any way to the invitation -- and basically informed me that he wasn't going by saying "See ya" on his way out of the office, I still had to go to happy hour and pretend to be remotely happy, because it was my stupid idea. And so I sent him an email just saying basically that I guess he wouldn't be going with us, and that was fine, it was just a last-minute idea. To which he never responded in any way.

So to me, that pretty clearly communicates that he's not interested in me in any way -- he's not even interested in me as a friend or co-worker, much less romantically. But I don't know what any of this means from his point of view. And I've got to stop finding loopholes and just live with it, because every loophole I find makes this happen again, because I start to hope again, and then I get my heart smashed into little tiny bits. Again.

And it keeps happening because my pool is so damn small. I've been interested in -- by my count -- five men, ever. My first boyfriend (dated for a month), Scott, Dear Hubby, Chief, and Perfect Tommy. I've been attracted to a few others, but those were the only ones I actually wanted to go out with. My first boyfriend was insane but meant well, and the fact that he was just too needy to cope with for long and that I thus dumped him after a month may be the karmic reason why my love life since has sucked so hard. Scott, we all know about. DH used me for sex with no intention of actually being seen in public with me. Chief is the only guy who's ever given me exactly what I wanted from him, bless his twisted little head, but of course I did realize I didn't want to date him. And now this. What is this about? Surely these five guys can't be that unusual or rare or special. Is there really that dearth of eligible men in my life?

It's just never, ever been worth that uphill climb. Maybe it's time to stop trying.
Current Mood: disappointeddisappointed
nearlymaynearlymay on September 4th, 2009 10:36 pm (UTC)
dood. You're taking this awfully personally. I mean, the fact that he didn't come to your last-minute group outing does NOT mean you're way less attractive than you thought. Maybe he had plans already. Maybe his mom's in town. There's no way to know why he didn't come, and there's no reason to think it has anything to do with you.

Not writing back to your I-guess-you're-not-coming email is kind of dick, though.

And besides, even if he didn't come PURELY because he's not interested in you romantically, WHY THE FUCK does that mean you're not attractive? Maybe it means he's a moron! Or you remind him of his little sister. Or you look too much like his last girlfriend. WHO KNOWS.

pointnopoint: Progresspointnopoint on September 4th, 2009 10:43 pm (UTC)
I don't think this has anything to do with how attractive you are at all. That's basing your self-worth on what someone else thinks of you, I've fallen into that trap too many times.

For the record, I think you are extremely attractive, and I'm not even into women. Don't doubt our beauty in the world.

I just had a conversation sort of on this topic with someone recently about how I could not fathom why so many women were attracted and had slept with one particular friend of mine * we are talking Wilt Chamberlain numbers here* as I don't think he is attractive in the least bit. The person I was with made what I believe to be a fairly accurate comment that it has less to do with outward attractiveness and more to do with inner confidence projected outward. This makes a lot of sense, but when you are not used to it it can be hard to do.

Please don't stop trying. Hell, I probably should have stopped trying a long time ago, but just pick myself up and move on. The interesting thing I have learned is to get from myself what I was trying to get from everyone else before. It has made a huge difference in my life. I'm not preaching and saying that's the right thing for you, but maybe some of what I have learned can help.

Anyway, I feel for you. I've been in this position before and it is not fun.

Side note: I'm trying going to Dana Pellbon's burlesque show tonight. Should be a hoot!
Monstrously Stylish: Hugs all around!glamourcorpse on September 5th, 2009 04:05 am (UTC)
What they said. Also: HUG HUG HUG.

On a shallow note, LOVE the new layout.
the accidental gothboyjchance on September 5th, 2009 05:54 am (UTC)
Some good comments here--I just have to add that "in your league" is plain bullshit, at least once you get out of high-school popularity rankings. Yeah, statistically, people ranked as similarly attractive are more likely to end up together. But, individually, people's preferences vary so much that _all_ you can say is that any semi-healthy couple are attracted to each other. I think a lot of your problem, and of the reason the numbers are so small, is trying to calculate for an "appropriate" match rather than letting yourself be random, and aim "higher" or, for that matter, "lower" than you expect.

That said, depending on how you mean it, there may be something to "stopping trying." If you mean taking a break from worrying about dating and making it a priority, I have to support that. Take some time to concentrate on just living, working on yourself including but not limited to confidence, and so on. And I know I'm a funny one to talk about confidence, but as nervous as I still can be, I've improved by leaps and bounds since high school or even my divorce.